deadbeat existence

its a rainy friday afternoon...it is nice to see the rain again...i havent had much to write about lately...in the past i never understood why people would get depressed over birthdays and holidays though i was always intrigued...every year for mysterious reasons some of the happiest people i knew would just go into a hole...well now, i am afraid, i know some of this sadness...it is hard to describe the feeling, but it is somewhat like pure realization without the bliss...when you get behind the bliss, there is something else there...it is naked reality, and the realization is not always a welcome one...when you realize the timelessness of all things and your place in this neverending ancient consciousness it can be far beyond what an untrained observer should be allowed to experience...and it is quite disturbing...the true meaninglessness of existence combined with the meaning that we as human beings put upon it is quite amazing...i was looking through all the funerary cards that i have compiled and i read the names and remembered the people...those so vastly important to me, but within a generation all will be lost...all memory of who they were, what they did, all the important quirks of their personality...everything lost even though consciousness pervades...the rain keeps falling on this friday afternoon as i remember a dream i had about a friend of mine that had died the previous autumn...we were sitting in a room having a party with all our living friends and him...everyone else went out for a smoke and we stayed in alone...i made some small talk and he did the same, as if i was afraid to ask him what i wanted and he was waiting for me to ask...finally i did..."so what's it like?"...he answered almost tragically, "what's it like for you being alive?"...and i realized at that moment it was no different, no better or worse to be alive or dead...it was really just a different aspect of the same thing...and although this realization was liberating in a way, it just made me sorry...this was it, this boredom would go on forever...i looked up into his eyes and noticed he only had half pupils...half of a yin-yang...we are all just sad-ole manifestations of a greater existence...made up of stuff from the beginning and the end...so when i blew out the candles at the end of september i finally realized why people get depressed on their birthday...