floods of boredom

"i wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend, i know it wouldn't come to love my heroine pretend"...i have been walking around in a daze for at least a week...i can truly understand the relativity of time when i am in this state...everything melts away and i am left with nothing...it is quiet today and unseasonably warm...that is nice, but that is about all that is nice about the day...the hours and days speed passed and i dont feel any older, except when my body chimes in with a new sickness, ache, or pain...i try to get lost in things, like baseball games, or long lonely walks, in order to forget for just a little while longer...i am afraid when the time comes to finally start anew somewhere else, that i will not be able to let go of this stinking pile of crap of a life...i will not be able to let go of the bombing, and the suffering, of the hatred, and the plagues of this world...and consequently will be pulled back into another life of this constant repetition and boredom...have you ever had a religious experience that led nowhere but the realization of constant boredom...a boredom so all pervading that even while you were having the religious experience you were bored...well, it has happened to me...i wonder if this mass suffering bothers anyone else...people seem to revel in it, to wallow in the darkest corners of human behaviour...to feed off it...sure, maybe if someone was going to kill me, i would kill them...i don't know, it hasn't happened yet...but self defence is the least of the darkness that occurs on this planet, and all of it is supported and heralded by one side or another...i know that this is how it is and how it was and will be, but it seems as if we could of done better than this...owell, i guess you can see that my dark cynicism is simply romanticism plus reality...sometimes though it just makes me sick, seeing only an endless night...the kind of night i used to have in new orleans before the epic floods...laying in bed, sweating through the sheets, nearly swimming in the humidity...with no hope of sleep, no hope of morning, and surrounded by the madness, shadows, and sounds of a doomed and haunted city...