autumn in the wind

i took a drive today...there is nothing better than a nice drive in the autumn...this is truly the best time of the year...between late august and early october...i don't know what it is but it smells different...maybe it is the immanent scent of death and decay on the wind...or the soft cool breezes...the fact that soon you will again be able to put on your sweaters...it is magnificent...some people prefer spring weather, probably because they have been cooped up all winter, or maybe because there is something soothing to look forward to...because after spring comes summer, people like the heat, people like the folks roaming around in what amounts to underwear...do not get me wrong i like spring too...but damn if autumn isn't better...its that indescribable something that makes you so happy that you were born alive in this place...and not simply left to your devices in another world...most people would half listen to this description and shrug it off..."yeah," they would say, "the leaves are nice"...i know the leaves are nice but that is not the essence of autumn!...it has to be the subtleness of the transition of death on the wind...nothing else could feel, smell, and taste like that...so i drove, windows open, taking in that sweet smell and the wonderful atmosphere...i glided smoothly passed 'pond view estates', 'hickory run', 'deer meadow', and of course 'country acres'...i suppose the irony is lost on the families that live here..."they cut down the hills and you pay higher bills"...that was all i could think of as i drifted softly home with the breeze in my trees...

the progression of ignorance

there was a time not to long ago where life in this place was not a matter of extremes...you could still enjoy big breasted women and a form of spirituality, recreational drugs, maybe a cigarette or two without the iron hand clamping down on you...now it appears as if it is all about choosing sides...if you choose big breasts they are forced upon you at every waking moment...if you prefer a certain form of spirituality you must be down on your knees most of the day and fight to the last for every dogma whether deep down you believe it or not...you cannot enjoy entertainment and god, sex and morality...and god forbid you are a smoker...talk about the new scapegoat...it seemed like not terribly long ago there was something called moderation that pervaded civilization and a polite tolerance for each other...common sense was at a premium and radical, uneducated, savage thinking was mocked...however, now if you do not immerse yourself in the pettiness of the people you are an outcast...i also find this idea progress ridiculous...there is no better or best time in history there just is history...you can measure time in small increments if you want...within my lifetime i recognize times better and worse for me, but within the whole of civilization and time i do not think that is possible...so what have these new ideals done for me...i have just become more and more of a zombie, sighing softly at every new radical and ridiculous view that comes forth...it is sad to see the human race, a race that i am a part of, lower itself even further...so i go on quietly, waiting patiently for the miracle...

a hymn to garbage

it is sunday again...i like sundays...i went to the dump yesterday, what a trip that was...nothing like hauling garbage on a bleak saturday morning...it makes me think of one bleak saturday when i had to go to the recycle depot to drop off all the bottles we had consumed the night before...from the hill of lost souls you could look down over the dreary highway, and beyond to the dull ports of the raritan bay and hudson river...my brain was looking for its opportunity to leap from my skull, or slyly ooze out my ears...it was certainly a saturday in which you didnt want to be alive, and all the good times you had the night before became horrors as you replayed them over and over in your head...embarrassed that you had been the sad sack spewing vulgarities the night before...that you had been the urchin with hollow ideas and ideals...all the goodness and blessings that had been bestowed upon you as a child were gone...you had used up all your good karma, and that was why on this grey saturday you were emptying bottles into an endless stream of glass, that would roll on over the hills and time, soon to be filled again with someone else's nightmare...i gazed at the highway one more time knowing that soon i would be driving down the highway too, heading home...

day and night in the city

last week i witnessed the drunkenness of babes, people on rollerskates, and the sloppy and obnoxious unwashed corpses of the city...of course the sloppy and unwashed was only me...however you will not see me on skates...i do not know what runs through the minds of rollerskaters...of course from afar the untrained observer would have seen the blank smiles on the rollers' faces and thought they must be having the time of their lives...however if you looked closer you could see that they looked more like the smiles of the lobotimized...examined closer yet it was more disturbing, they were all insane!...no not insane in that happy ole hippy way, but clearly disturbed, insane...a posse of the insane on wheels...faced with the dark paranoia of a hungover sunday this was disturbing to me...the insane posse, a rolling whirling dervish of darkness, my head devoid of water and sustenance, was seeing these beings for what they were...meanwhile a man next to me commented about one of these rollers while i was in this state of pure realization..."i would love to sniff those sweaty shorts after she gets done with them" gesturing to one of the particularly soiled skaters...i couldn't hold it in, i began laughing uncontrollably at the thought of this guy kneeling in a darkened closet, sniffing this wheeled woman's shorts, while she sat listening to jungle boogie in the other room with that horrible smile of the absent and insane on her lips...

the human condition

it sure seems like a nice morning...although afternoon has taken its foul hold on me...they are moving things out from under my nose...trying to run for the hills as quickly as their little legs will take them...mocking me and the fact that i exist in a vacuum...in outer space...it has been said that when you die you are confronted with all the horrible things you did to people and forced to experience your malevolent actions through that person...for me it won't be so bad, at least after childhood...i do not think i have caused too much harm...but for some i think it could take an eternity just to get passed this initial phase of transition...it is truly a shame how selfish and petty human beings are...always out for themselves, like a virus or plague on the earth...everyone looks to ghandi, or buddha, or jesus as what a human being is...but i disagree...i think they are exceptions to the human condition, they may not even be human at all...why do so many good people end up in jail or dead for their principles?...because they are not human, and that festering cancer of goodness is feared by the people in power who are in effect, true humans...power is important for the human, it is the essential and that is why what it means to be human is what it means to be horrible, and all a seeker of truth can do is try to be meta-human...the goal of the seeker is to unlock what few of our depraved ilk have been able to...that pure radiant goodness that in many ways is the antithesis of humanity...it is contrary to survival in the physical sense...it is almost like living in the land of the dead, where one can see the world for what it is...a world of shadowy figures clawing for every crust of bread, every handfull of change, and every saggy breast...